


If today's the day I die

by chailover



Series: You can light up the dark [5]
Category: Naruto
Genre: ANBU - Freeform, Festivals, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Nicknames, Team Bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:27:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23388091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chailover/pseuds/chailover
Summary: ANBU was everything Itachi had expected...and a few things that he never did.Mainly...the nicknames. So. Many. Nicknames.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi & Uchiha Itachi, Uchiha Itachi & Uchiha Mikoto, Uchiha Itachi & Uchiha Sasuke, Uchiha Itachi & Uchiha Shisui
Series: You can light up the dark [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1040802
Comments: 7
Kudos: 138





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ...the bits and bobs for the terrible two in ANBU were just floating around without cohesion...the same for the Team 7 bits. Everything so far has been written at wildly different times, so apologies for the tonal disconnect. Story titles and summaries are my weakness, so basically I don't get around to posting something until I have something to post and can figure out what to put as a summary. *shrug*

**

ANBU was everything Itachi had expected...and a few things that he never did.

Mainly...the nicknames. So. Many. Nicknames.

Strange entrance exam/practical test aside, it only took half of the first day for him to realize that the person that designed the ANBU program was a paranoid genius - given that it was the Second Hokage, that really should have been obvious. Itachi had been peripherally aware of ANBU, mostly because Sasuke and Naruto were adorably attached at the hip as they’re self-declared best rivals (aka bosom buddies) and as the son of the Hokage and Konoha’s jinchuuriki, Naruto warranted a guard at all times. So the masked assassins/spies/guards lurking in the shadows were not entirely unfamiliar at the Uchiha compound. 

Obviously, there were the masks - mostly of real animals though there were a few mythical creatures. He was assigned one at the outset, but told to not get too attached. The masks were switched on the regular, and no one knew who would be wearing what mask until assigned. The teams were also rotated on a different, mostly unpredictable schedule. There was some sort of hierarchy to selecting teams for the captains, but Itachi hadn’t been able to quite figure out the pattern yet. No one would be able to look at an ANBU roster and know what the hell was going on without either some sort of decoder or intimate knowledge of how the organization worked. 

As a member, given that masks were worn at all times on-mission and about half the time in headquarters, that meant not being able to recognize your teammates only by chakra signature, body language, or other non-facial distinctive features resulted in being mocked relentlessly at best, or mission failure at worst. Or, as their ‘new’ captain said: “Well...I really wouldn’t recommend it.”

But since the masks changed constantly and no one wanted to shout out a person’s real name, that led to the nicknames: Within the first week, Itachi had been addressed by every possible iteration of ‘boy’, ‘kid’, ‘child’ or ‘baby’ that he had known, and some that he didn’t. His first mask was bird-related, so he got called various bird names and some unfortunately continued to make repeat appearances, the most popular of which seemed to be ‘little birdy’. As the masks cycled around, he also picked up a truly ridiculous number of juvenile animal names. Though at least he wasn’t alone in that: hilariously, Shisui got called even weirder, and was the first demonstration that the nicknames really had nothing to do with their past, current or prospective masks.

Afterward - because Itachi hadn’t been there, as two pairs of mastered Sharingan on one ANBU mission was kind of overkill, he was told that his cousin almost lost his head when Tiger yelled, “Heads up, kitty!” as a warning for an incoming fuma shuriken. Never mind that there was both Tiger and also a Cat present, and Shisui was Boar at the time.

“What the hell!” Shisui fumed later, “Why ‘Kitty’?! Wouldn’t ‘Piggy’ be better?”

Itachi groaned inwardly and tried to convey to his cousin and best friend with his most dead-eyed stare: _Do. Not. Encourage. Them!_

The current Tiger grinned at them. “I’ll keep that under consideration!”

Shisui narrowed his eyes at Tiger and Itachi mentally revised his cousin’s state of irritation up by a factor of two. It was rare for Shisui to drop his good-natured mask - he worked so hard to seem harmless, after all. “Consider more accurate nicknames in the future.” he said ominously.

Which led to the _other_ thing that Itachi did not expect from joining an organization of elite ninja working all sorts of highly unsavory jobs for the Hokage from the shadows. It turned out that while physical violence against your teammates for insults rendered were frowned upon - once again, the captain with his lackadaisical, “Well ...really, really not recommended,” - _pranks_ were not. Itachi wasn’t sure how rigging a locker with lethal traps was any different than stabbing someone in the face - in result if not in execution - but after the fifth time someone called him ‘little duckie’ (there isn’t even a Duck mask, he _checked_ ), he decided that he might as well use the rules to his advantage.

Horse ended up giving a very loud and thorough mission report to the potted plant at the corner of the break room, convinced the entire time that he was in Hawk’s office, until someone got annoyed at the noise from everyone else laughing and snapped him out of it. Itachi made sure current-Boar and current-Hawk was also there and making fools of themselves as well - he had no idea where the nickname ‘little cabbage’ even _came_ from, there weren’t any plant masks (!). Itachi was satisfied to note that he at least got a different annoying nickname the next time they talked.

Formerly-Tiger-currently-Falcon streaked out of the showers a week after the ‘Kitty’ incident, shouting at the top of his lungs. His usual light brown hair was neon pink and his skin had a healthy literal sparkle to it. Probably for the sake of completeness, every single shower head had been rigged, and there were quite a few ‘innocents’ that got caught as collateral damage. The ANBU shower rooms were unusable for a week for cleaning. 

Itachi made sure he had an airtight alibi - scrubbing glitter out of the showers was not his idea of fun, and Shisui was his favorite cousin, maybe favorite person, but no. Just, no.

Shisui, of course, also had an airtight alibi. He was on mission with the captain and was out of the village for the entire window of time when the prank could’ve been set up without an entire squad of elite shinobi noticing.

(Shisui was also the one that taught Itachi the Shadow clone technique, can cast genjutsu as easy as breathing and has a murder of crows that adored the ground he walked on because he bribed them shamelessly with treats. Everyone knew it was Shisui, but no one could prove it.)

After that, the nicknames and pranks settled. Itachi still found the occasional explosive seal or razor wire trap here and there - nothing more than a reminder to stay on his toes, since most people seem to forget that sharingan can let the user see chakra and have perfect recall. It was a matter of a quick check to disarm these little presents - by ANBU standards it was downright friendly. He can also live with being ‘little birdie’, until it got irritating enough to justify casting genjutsu on the offenders again. Shisui grumbled about little, non-vital things going missing, but once he accepted that ‘kitty/kitten’ was really the least of the terrible names they could’ve given him, internal peace with their current team was achieved.

Which led to the last thing that he never expected from ANBU: friends.

Itachi didn’t _make_ friends. He was too serious, too quiet, too strong and on occasion, he had heard that he was too scary. He had nothing in common with other people his age except for his age, and adults never seem to know what to do with him. They seem to know that treating him as a normal child was wrong, but couldn’t quite bring themselves to treat him as an adult either, leading to some awkward situations. About the only exception up until now were his family - Sasuke and his mother had to like him by virtue of being related, and Itachi had given up on trying to explain Shisui ages ago.

But ANBU - apparently the type of people ANBU recruited were all crazy, and instead of being justifiably freaked out about being put under a genjutsu by a teammate not even in his teens yet or getting glitter bombed by the current second-youngest member for a prank, they all thought it was _hilarious_. Even the ones that were pranked got over it suspiciously quickly, making Itachi wonder if it wasn’t a test of sorts. 

And maybe not all of them are too serious or too quiet (but there were more than a few), but by virtue of being ANBU, pretty much all of them are some degree of too strong or too scary. Maybe by retaliating, Itachi figured that the rest of them finally decided that Shisui and Itachi had not just enough strength and skill, but also enough steel in their backbones, to really belong in ANBU after all.

The nicknames stayed...and so did they.

**  
End


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grudges over food (sweets) can be very scary...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess I'll put the ANBU bits and bobs here.
> 
> For the stuff I forgot to include in the notes from the beginning:
> 
> Title from Living Louder by the Cab.
> 
> Those unreasonable nicknames that Itachi got indignant about: 'duckie' is a British term of endearment, and little cabbage (petite chou) is a French term of endearment. Of course none of them were meant in the romantic sense, but someone in Anbu is a polygot.

***

Shisui was watching with disbelief as Itachi ate his third stick of dango (and this was after the cotton candy, mochi, honey sticks, and the red bean paste buns) when he heard a familiar voice - unfamiliarly unmuffled by a mask - call out, “Hey, Uchiha twins!”

Itachi politely finished chewing quickly and swallowed before answering the pair of shinobi that were heading over to their little corner of the streets, “Genma-san, Raidou-san, hello. Are you enjoying the festival?”

“Not as much as you’re enjoying it,” Shisui muttered under his breath, Itachi rolled his eyes and tossed the dango stick into a nearby trash can. Shisui was still holding onto his last stick, and when Itachi eyed it contemplatively, he held it back protectively. “MINE.”

“Trouble in paradise?” Genma teased, chewing on a dango stick instead of his usual senbon. Shisui had no doubt that he could be as deadly with that sliver of bamboo as he normally was with the steel needles. Raidou was behind him, holding onto what appeared to be the result of a shopping spree of festival knick-knacks. Given what Shisui knew about Raidou’s shopping habits, he suspected most of the things were Genma’s. “Aw, don’t fight, little ones.”

Sometimes it sucked that everyone in their ANBU team was their senior by almost a decade. Shisui considered threatening to dye Genma’s hair (again), but decided that peace was better on this festival day. “Hopefully not for long,” he said instead, answering Genma’s original question. Aunt Mikoto and Sasuke had gone to get more sweets for Itachi and some grilled tomato for Sasuke. He’s hoping the pair will return soon and ply Itachi with enough sugar so that his cousin would leave Shisui’s dango out of danger.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you two out of uniform,” Genma continued with his easy grin, looking the two Uchiha boys up and down. All four of them were off duty tonight, so the typical ANBU garb was nowhere to be found. Genma and Raidou were in comfortable unarmored jouin gear, while Shisui was strong armed into donning more traditional clothing. Itachi was the same, having even less choice in the matter than Shisui, being Clan Heir and all. “It looks good, you guys should dress down more often.”

Shisui held up an arm to sigh at the yukata sleeve. The material was high quality and fit him perfectly, but he still felt sort of like an imposter in the fine clothing. Itachi and Mikoto both had to remind him tonight to not tug or squirm too obviously. Not to mention, “it’s terrible for hiding weapons,” he confided. There was no way to carry kunai without it being obvious or difficult to access, and with only one brace of senbon and some shuriken, Shisui wasn’t afraid to admit, “I feel naked.”

Before they could start talking too much about work, a child’s voice drifted to their ears. “Big brotherrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!”

Shisui stepped out of the way because he knew what - or rather, who - was incoming. Genma and Raidou’s eyebrows both hit their hairlines as a black-blue blur hit Itachi at about waist height and then clung there, like a burr. 

Sasuke grinned up at his brother - the seven year old was wearing an adorable little headband with small horns sticking out of the normal spikes of his hair, like an oni. “Look what mom got me!!”

Shisui had to hide a laugh as Itachi looked Sasuke over solemnly, mirth well hidden in his black eyes. “I don’t know what mother would’ve gotten you,” he replied. “She would’ve only bought something for Sasuke, and I don’t see Sasuke here. Only a little demon.”

“Brother!” Sasuke scolded. “It’s me, Sasuke!”

“Do you see Sasuke here, Shisui?” 

Shisui wanted to laugh hysterically at the expression on their ANBU teammate’s faces, but managed to swallow it down admirably. “Sasuke?” He said with exaggerated confusion. “I only see a little oni.”

Sasuke pulled his headband off with a pout. “Brother!”

“Ah, there you are,” Itachi said seriously. Sasuke raised his arms up impetuously even though he had just declared this morning that he was too old for such things, and Itachi obediently picked him up. “Don’t run off, little brother,” he said with a poke to Sasuke’s forehead. “There are demons running around.”

In retribution, Sasuke put the demon horns on his brother. Shisui was sure Genma had dropped his dango stick and Raidou’s jaw was about to hit the floor. No wonder - Itachi just wasn’t one for physical contact. Most ANBU aren’t, and they’ve been in the corps long enough to have a few close calls. It was one thing to intellectually know that Itachi loved his little brother, another to see him let the boy climb all over him. 

“Ahh, Sasuke, I told you not to run off!” Aunt Mikoto was walking quickly toward them, looking resplendent in her formal kimono and jeweled pins in her hair. Genma and Raidou picked their jaws up and quickly bowed.

“Lady Uchiha,” they chorused respectfully.

Mikoto inclined her head at them in response, every inch the gracious head of one of Konoha’s founding Clans. “You must be Genma-kun and Raidou-kun.” she said with a smile. “Thank you for your guidance for my son and Shisui-kun.” Business done, she turned the smile to Shisui, and shoved a few bamboo wrapped packages at him and Itachi. “Your squid kabob and Itachi’s second order of dango.” She shook her head. “No more sweets for you after this, Itachi. If you eat any more dango, you’ll become one.”

“Mother…” Itachi said, long-sufferingly, and Sasuke made a face at the sweets. Meanwhile Shisui tried to not fumble his food like it was a kunai thrown at him, sharp end first. It didn’t help that he could feel Genma and Raidou’s incredulous eyes on him now, at the fact that the Uchiha Clan Head bought him squid kabob and hand delivered it to him like she was some sort of errand girl. 

“Lady Uchiha, you shouldn’t have…” Shisui started.

Mikoto immediately turned to him with narrowed eyes, and it made him close his mouth with a snap. She stared at him for a few heartbeats, during which he swore he could feel himself shrink in abject embarrassment. Sages, she was going to make him say it in front of everyone!

Itachi gave him a knowing look, but when Shisui mimed a desperate plea for help, he turned away and started eating his dango. Traitor. Sasuke just laughed at him from the safe circle of Itachi’s arms. His cousins were both traitors that enjoyed his suffering!

“Shisui-kun…” Mikoto said warningly. Her normally pitch black eyes were starting to look slate-colored, a precursor to the Sharingan.

“Sorry - “ Her glare intensified and Shisui gulped. Some ribbing - albeit extended and intensive ribbing from his teammates and probably being mocked for the rest of his career - wasn’t worth incurring her wrath. “I mean, thank you for the food, Aunt Mikoto.”

It was like the cloud passing, the sun breaking free. Even though it was already past sundown and everything was garishly lit by festival lights. “Isn’t that much better?” she said, all smiles again.

Genma was trying to hide a snicker, and after Raidou elbowed him, bowed again. “It was lovely to meet you, Lady Uchiha.” He gave his two younger teammates an eyebrow waggle. “Shisui, Itachi, we’ll see you later.”

“Say good-bye, Sasuke,” Itachi said and Sasuke obediently waved.

“Good bye, misters!”

Shisui had to admit that even though Sasuke was a little brat, he was unfortunately adorable enough to get away with it.

**End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friday the 13th for 2020 passed without too much craziness, but I think it's just because the world was already crazy beyond belief. Stay safe and healthy everyone.

**Author's Note:**

> Is everyone still alive?????? Stay safe and healthy, everyone!
> 
> Weirdly enough, the Itachi tone here was totally off for this AU but pretty on target for the side B for Itachi I've been meaning to finish for [I've never been perfect (But neither have you)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13030500) \- namely kind of rambling and irreverent. But who knows, maybe happy-ending Itachi is like canon-Itachi, who seems to have a very well hidden sense of humor...


End file.
